I would love to write something happy, inspirational and uplifting, but it would not be honest or true to the emotions I am feeling most days. I am finding myself in a chapter of grieving and it is not easy. I would not describe myself as someone who is particularly good with emotions and feelings. I don’t like crying, and I am not very good at allowing myself to be sad or down or whatever goes with all of that.
However, I have realised if I do not allow myself this time to grieve, I am only prolonging the process of transitioning and adapting to a new life here in Portugal. I cannot let go if I cannot grieve. I cannot heal if I do not feel what I am supposed to feel. And if I cannot heal and let go, then I cannot be open to a new life in a new country with new people and new things. So here I am writing a blog and being vulnerable, which I so love, because I need to figure out a way to move forward.
Elisabeth Elliot has always been a great inspiration to me. I have many of her quotes written in my diaries and saved on my phone for times when I need a bit of truth for exhortation and encouragement. She wrote a book about another missionary’s life and named it: “A Chance to Die – The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael”. Why this title? A lady from England who was considering giving herself to missionary work, once wrote a letter to Amy Carmichael early on in her time in India. In the letter the lady asked Amy what missionary work was like. Amy replied, “Missionary life is simply a chance to die.” I read this and I knew this before we started the process of moving to Portugal, but saying yes to die and actually dying, is not the same thing.
For many years I have felt the calling of God to go to the nations and become a missionary. Since I first heard the call and learned of so many other missionaries that have gone before me, I have dreamed about it, prayed about it and pursued to obey the call. Then the day finally came for André and me to go. In all the years that I read the stories of missionaries and looked up to them as heroes, I never fully realised the pain of the sacrifices they had to make. I always knew being a missionary takes more than courage and obedience. I knew Jesus calls us to lay down our lives and that it’s not an easy thing or something to be taken lightly. But I guess you never really understand the pain of sacrifice, until you go through it yourself.
Leaving and saying goodbye to South Africa was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and crushed into pieces. My heart still feels that way. Don’t get me wrong, Portugal is lovely and we are happy to finally be here. We know we are where we should be. We know we made the right decision and we have more than peace. We are thankful and expectant for what God is doing and will do. I am not questioning if we should be here or doubting why we came. My heart is just broken and my spirit feels crushed. I am dying and choosing to die every day again and again.
John 12:24-26 “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honour him.”
I feel like a seed that has fallen to the ground and is busy dying. I feel like I have lost everything. I must die to what I have given up and left behind.
I Googled: “What does it mean for a seed to die?” and then I read this:
“The process that occurs in gardening is just this – a seed is planted, and in order for life to grow from it, it must die. The life breaks free from the seed and sprouts into something new, leaving behind the shell of what once contained it.”
I have surrendered and given everything up. I chose this. I decided to do it out of obedience to my Lord and King Jesus Christ. I keep choosing this and will keep on choosing this, because I know this is what I am called to. I just wanted to do it with joy. I tried to do it with joy. I died and I gave up my ‘shell’, but now I need to let it go. I need to stop looking back.
The first morning after we arrived in Porto, while praying, I got this scripture as a word and a promise:
Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
I know I need to forget the former things, if I want to perceive and be part of “the new thing” that the Lord is doing and wants to do here, but I miss home. I miss my family. I miss my dogs. I miss my friends. I feel terrible for leaving everyone behind and not being able to be part of their day to day lives and moments and celebrations anymore.
Luke 14:25-27; 33 Now great crowds accompanied Him (Jesus), and He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.”
“So therefore, anyone of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be My disciple.
I know Jesus called us to this, and I am glad that we obeyed and that we keep on obeying. I love Him and it is a privilege to serve Him. I guess I am just finally admitting that it is hard. Sacrifice and letting go is not easy. It feels like dying, because it is dying. Dying is not pretty or easy or fun. I am not writing or posting this blog for pity, for I despise pity. I am just processing and echoing and affirming what scripture and so many missionaries before me have already said.
George Müller also echoed this when he was asked, “What is the secret of your service to God?” Müller’s response was this: “There was a day when I died, utterly died, died to George Müller, his opinions, preferences, tastes and will… died to the world, its approval or blame even of my brethren and friends… and since then I have studied to show myself only to God. A servant of God has but one Master.”
2 Corinthians 4:10-12 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
I am choosing this chance to die, because I want to bear fruit. I am choosing to let go, because I want to be open and ready for the new thing. Letting go does not mean that I am forgetting everyone back home who means so much to me. It just means that I love Jesus more than I love anyone else. And I must let go if I want to follow my Lord and Master.
Kingdom Seekers 
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